Surely This Has Never Happened Before...

Of course it's always special when it's YOUR baby. It feels like the most amazing thing when YOUR baby walks, talks, rolls over, and shoots through the birth canal. And it is special and amazing. It's just that it's been special and amazing billions and billions of times over.

I have a friend who was recently invited to attend a "gender unveiling" party for an expecting couple. Now before we can properly digest the madness this may entail, I have another friend who went on a "naming retreat" with his spouse. Finally, yet another friend (okay, I'm not claiming this one fully...more of an acquaintance) had a strictly enforced rule that she and her spouse would not reveal the name of their baby until you officially met her. In person.

Which of these practices is most likely to drive your friends and family to secretly resent your child and overtly resent you? Are these even the most irritating displays of self-involved foolishness out there?

As a side note, I cannot speak to the gender of couple #1, as the party has not yet been held. Couple #2 and couple #3 named their children Ellie and Claire, respectively. Earth-shattering enough to warrant retreats and special face-to-face introductions? If you're inclined to say yes, I'm going to go ahead and assume you're in the process of making bunch reservations for your own super special baby unveiling.

Registry Wednesday

I have a sickness. If you have the slightest air of pregnancy about you, and I know the first two letters of your first and last name, I'm going to look up your gift registry. I wish it was so I could buy you a gift, but it's mostly to see if you registered for something completely ridiculous (this coming from someone who registered for, but thankfully did not receive, a baby food warmer).

This week's feature is the Beaba Babycook BPA Free Baby Food Maker.

So this got good reviews on Babies R Us, but you'll never change my mind on the following beliefs:

1. This is the baby shower equivalent to the bread maker: expensive, sounds like a good idea going in, pisses you off so much that one day, you go Gerber and never go back.

2. I don' t know what a "Beaba" is, but if a product has a vaguely European sounding name,

it sends a certain breed of mom scrambling to her Passat wagon to pay ungodly

sums for something a pot on the stove can do.

Raising children is literally the oldest trick in the book. Exactly zero people need this product.

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Reading this post back, I sound a little....what's the word....bitter? Stand-off-ish? Bitchy? Most likely hypocritical, as someone who enjoys a flushing toilet as much as the next. I don't live off the grid in a cabin made of hand-stretched squirrel carcasses...I just don't understand when it happened that becoming a parent is equivalent to deep sea diving, requiring a bunch of crazy equipment.

Inspiration

It all started with a harmless Facebook comment.

A friend posted a query about the best front-facing car seat for her transitioning daughter. As a freaked out pregnant lady who obsessively scoured Consumer Reports for the perfect registry items, I proudly informed her about several "Best Buys."

Fourteen minutes later, another (non-mutual) friend chimed in that she would only buy a Britax seat for her daughter because, "I can't put a price on the safety of my child," thereby, I suppose, implying that I could.

Look, we all know that the actual moms who are the worst are the ones who lock their children in closets and such. This blog isn't about those moms. This is about that particular breed of mom who uses status, money, and an inflated sense of self-satisfaction to turn motherhood into a sugary game of backhanded insults and smug consumerism.

I hope this blog isn't just a place for me to air my grievances, though that is one of my favorite pastimes. I hope it's a place where moms can come and tell stories, laugh, get support, and maybe help lessen our collective gag reflex when the words "mommy blog" are uttered.